How to deal with a breakup: From heartache to healing 

How to deal with a breakup: From heartache to healing 

If you're reading this, chances are you're going through a tough time after a breakup. 

It’s a horrible feeling, isn’t it? The pain, the heartache, the feeling of rejection – it's all a big mess. This might not provide much comfort right now, but you're not alone. Breakups are never easy, and they can be especially difficult for men who may not always feel comfortable expressing their emotions.

In this article, we're going to talk about some practical ways to deal with a breakup and start moving on with your life. Whether you're the one who was dumped or the one who ended the relationship, these tips can help you cope with the pain and start healing. If you’re prepared to listen then we even have strategies that can help you win back an ex girlfriend, but that will come later.

For now it’s about picking up the pieces and getting stronger. If you're feeling lost and unsure of how to move on after a breakup, take a deep breath and keep reading. We've got you covered. Just remember, it's okay to feel a range of emotions and it's important to give yourself time to process them. With a little bit of patience and the right tools, you'll get through this and come out stronger on the other side.

Before we dive into how to deal with a breakup, we wanted to touch on some other questions that always come up during this emotional time.

Table of Contents

How long does breakup hurt last

Breakups can be painful and it's natural to wonder how long the hurt will last. The truth is, there's no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. The duration of heartache after a breakup can vary significantly from person to person and is often influenced by a range of factors, including the length and intensity of the relationship, the reason for the breakup, and the individual's coping mechanisms and support system.

Some people may find that the pain of a breakup fades relatively quickly, while others may continue to feel hurt and grief for a longer period of time. It's common to experience a range of emotions after a breakup, including sadness, anger, and loneliness, and it's important to allow yourself to feel and process these emotions. It's also normal to have good days and bad days, and to feel like you're making progress one day and then experiencing a setback the next.

But how long does the heartache last? The truth is, there's no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. The length of time it takes to get over a breakup can vary depending on a number of factors, including the length of the relationship, the intensity of the emotions involved, and the individual's coping skills and support system.

Some people may be able to bounce back relatively quickly, while others may take longer to heal. It's not uncommon for the pain of a breakup to linger for weeks, months, or even longer. This is why it’s so important to take care of yourself and make sure you’re leveling up in life, focusing on turning yourself into the best version possible. 

How to deal with a breakup when you still love them

Dealing with a breakup is never easy, but it can be especially difficult when you still have feelings for your ex.

You may feel lost, confused, and unsure of how to move on with your life. But it's important to remember that you can get through this, even if you're not ready to let go of your feelings for your ex.

If you're struggling to let go of your ex, it might be helpful to try to reframe your thinking. While it's natural to want to hold onto the relationship, it's important to remember that sometimes things don't work out, and it's okay to let go. It can also be helpful to make a list of the things you liked and didn't like about the relationship to help you gain some perspective.

You need to really sit down and be honest with yourself, clearly thinking things through and separating your emotions from your decision making. If you’ve done all this and still want the relationship then there are steps you can take to get them back, but you have to be careful and approach it with a strategy. Check out The Breakup Blueprint if you’re ready to read more about our step-by-step guide to winning back an ex.

What is the hardest phase of a breakup?

They say there are five phases to a breakup: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

If you were truly in love then you have to go through each one, unfortunately it’s just inevitable. Hopefully you won’t spend too long in each phase, and you can come out the other side before too long. But a lot of that will depend on your own way of dealing with the breakup, and we’ll give you some guidance below on how best to tackle it.

Of these phases the depression stage is usually the hardest for most people. This is when you’ve already tried to deny, scream and bargain your way back into the relationship. When these don’t work, and they never do, then you’re left with isolation and a sense of longing.

We want to tell you that getting angry or being needy never helped anyone get a relationship back. What you can do is take control and increase your own value. More on that below.

So those were some common questions we get asked after relationships come to an end. Now onto our main topic: how to deal with a breakup.

Grieving a relationship

I know how important grieving a relationship is.

During this time your emotions are fragile and your confidence is low, and at any point during the day you could be triggered into thinking of your relationship and how much you miss this person in your life.

Just know that every hour of every day, no matter whether you have had good or bad moments, is a step closer to full recovery.

Unfortunately there’s not much you can do to stop these feelings, and you shouldn’t try to stop them.

Grieving is a natural process the body has to go through to understand and cope with this new reality.

Avoiding the grief will only do more harm in the long run, as you suppress your feelings only for them to be let out at a later stage when you should be well on the road to recovery.

So take the time to feel those feelings and don’t be afraid to shed a few tears. If a song comes on that reminds you of them, it’s okay to feel sad and upset. Experience the emotion, but don’t dwell on it. Take those 30 seconds to grieve, and then redirect that energy into something more positive.

As the old saying goes, a problem shared is a problem halved. During this painful time you might be tempted to keep things bottled in, to keep smiling and pretending to the world that everything is okay.

Talking to people is a fantastic method of relieving some of the pain. Ideally you want to speak to a close friend or someone that you trust, who isn’t connected with your ex or you’re 100% sure wouldn’t go back to your ex with any of this information. Someone you can confide in, let off steam to and share your thoughts around why the relationship ended.

You might not think talking to people would do much good but studies show that over a third of people who talk about their issues feel better as a result. A quarter of people feel relief when they confide in someone about a problem.

As long as you’re not grieving in front of your ex then this is all okay. 

Stop being needy

Now, let me start by saying, you’re probably not going to like this advice.

It goes against everything your body is telling you. It goes against every instinct, you’re going to have to fight yourself every day to wrestle away that phone. 

But it needs to be done.


Number one priority, stop begging your ex to take you back.

Let me explain. At the moment you’re trying to look at this from a logical perspective. 

You’re thinking you can convince your ex that this is all a mistake. Just like anything in life, you can logically argue that there is a different way of doing things. So why not try to work at the issues you two had and give the relationship another go? Especially with someone you have shared amazing times and memories with, surely you shouldn’t just throw all of that away?

Unfortunately, logic goes out the window when love and relationships are involved. There’s no point trying to reason with someone in this situation because relationships are ruled by emotion, passion and feelings.

And what happens when you see these logical arguments aren’t working? Things quickly go sideways as you resort to begging. Telling them that you’ll change, telling them you only need one chance to show them how much they mean to you.

It might very well be true. You could be planning to keep your promise of changing your behavior to suit their desires. But they just don’t want to hear it at this point in time. If you are in a long term relationship then they’ve probably been building up to this break-up for weeks, maybe months.

So when they finally end things, no amount of begging or pleading or telling them things will be different next time will make any difference whatsoever.

At this very moment, their attraction to you has hit a low point.

Whatever the reason for the break up, whether it was a build up of fights over time, or a deeper disconnect that started months ago, their attraction for you faded.

And unfortunately when it gets to this stage, we reach a tipping point where proclaiming your love, telling them how amazing they are, saying you’d do anything for them to just give you one more chance… That all goes to waste and it has the opposite effect of what you’re trying to achieve.

You see, in a relationship your ex probably wanted to hear things like this. They want to know they’re important to you and hold a special place in your heart. Everybody does.

But when they’ve decided to break up with you then their state of mind suddenly changed, and things that would have seemed sweet before suddenly come across as needy.

And what’s one of the most unattractive traits a person can have? 

That’s right… Neediness. 

So begging will not work. In fact, if you are planning to try and win them back then begging will only be damaging your chances.

You need to avoid begging. If you’ve already been begging then stop now. Make a promise to yourself that you will stop texting and calling and asking them to take you back. It hasn’t worked so far, and it’s not going to work in the future.

Do yourself a favour and lock your phone away for now, and start concentrating on yourself instead of your ex. 

Now’s the time to use all that energy and all that frustration on switching up your mindset and becoming a better person than ever. 

That’s the main goal here. If you do want to get your ex back then fine, we have the relationship guidance you need. But the number one priority is revitalizing yourself and evolving into Version 2.0. A new, improved, confident you, who will attract many beautiful people and other good things in life because that’s what you deserve. 

A version of you that will even feel that you can do better than your ex, and they might be the one struggling to get you back. 

How does this happen?

A change of mindset.

Scarcity mindset to abundance mindset

This might be one of the most important lessons you ever learn.

One of the reasons you are so hung up over your ex right now is because you are in what is known as the scarcity mindset. 

This is when your brain is in an emotional overload and it’s telling you that this person is the only one out there in the world for you. If they walk out the door then you won’t find anybody else like them and life won’t be the same.

This is obviously not true. But our brains can fool us at times like this. 

The scarcity mindset is a dangerous thing to have. Over and over it’s telling us that we need to enter panic mode because the love of your life is walking out.

There are thousands of chemical reactions going off in your brain, and they are going to make for some very uncomfortable moments.

I want to tell you it’s okay to feel like this.

Don’t be afraid of allowing yourself to feel the pain. Experience those emotions. Grief like you need to.

But just know, the biggest contributor to your feelings is the scarcity mindset. 

Here’s a simple definition: “In the simplest terms, the scarcity mindset is the belief that there will never be enough — whether it's money, food, emotions or something else entirely — and as a result, your actions and thoughts stem from a place of lack.”

You see, when you break up with someone you panic, you start to think things like you’re always going to be alone, no one will find you attractive, you might have missed out on the one person in the world who was perfect for you…

That is 100% scarcity mindset talk.

Looking at things logically (I know it’s hard at the moment) but hand on heart, can you really, honestly say that out of the millions of beautiful, intelligent and loving people alive today, that there was this one person who was made for you? That the connection you shared was greater than anything that could happen with anyone else, ever?

Sure, you shared amazing times, they knew you better than anyone and you might even have felt like they were your best friend. 

But you need to give yourself a bit more credit.

Look at it this way. This amazing, incredible person was attracted to you. They chose to spend time with you. They chose to share their deepest feelings with you. They chose to have sex with you.

And that’s because you are a high value human being, and there are a lot of other potential partners out there who would be able to see exactly what your ex did at the start of your relationship.

But right now your scarcity mindset is telling you lies, fooling you into panicking and believing that you’ll be alone forever.

We’re going to change that.

What we’re going to do is reprogram your mind. Don’t panic, it’s not as scary as it sounds. We need to flip those scarcity feelings upside down. Transform your scarcity mindset into one of abundance.

“A person with an abundance mindset focuses on the limitless possibilities that exist in life. They choose to think in positive terms about everything that happens in life, good or bad. As a result of this way of thinking, they attract amazing experiences and opportunities into their lives.”


Even reading that definition gives me goosebumps.

As you can see, an abundance mindset is such a powerful weapon. Can you imagine feeling low with this mindset? Of course you’ll experience ups and downs like everyone else in the world, but when you do hit low points you’ll always know that better times are just around the corner.

I want you to know right now, there are unlimited possibilities for you in this world. These are what you should be focusing your mind on.

You don’t have a relationship? That’s perfectly fine, because with the abundance mindset you know there are literally thousands of possibilities to meet beautiful women and find love. 

It could be in the coffee shop as you get your morning pick-me-up. It could be at the gym, at work, out with friends, on holiday..

It could be absolutely anywhere and everywhere. And with the power of positive thinking and the abundance mindset, you will soon notice that you begin to attract these good things in your life. 

Know that your greatest loss will contain your greatest opportunity. 

You’re going to pick yourself up from this, dust yourself off and become the best version of yourself. 

It’s not easy to put a timeline on things. Every situation is different, everyone reacts differently. But from experience there’s a change that occurs after 21 days of switching up your mindset.

Within 21 days you can become completely separate from the person you are today. You will look back on today’s version of yourself and wonder what you were thinking. 

I am so sure of that fact that I want you to take a pen and paper and write down how you’re feeling right now. Write down whether you’re sad, upset, angry, confused. And then write the date that you’re feeling these feelings. 

Now I want you to take that paper, fold it up and go put it in a drawer somewhere. Because when we get that back out in 21 days time it’s going to show you how far you’ve come and how much you’ve grown as a person in this short period of time. 

Always remember:

Your greatest loss will contain your greatest opportunity.

Next I want you to get another piece of paper, and write down 5 things you’re most thankful for in your life. Whatever it is, job, family, friends, a loving pet, a short commute to work… I just need 5 things you’re most thankful for today.


Now look over that list. Think about how good those things make you feel.

Here’s one quote which changed my whole mentality when it came to life.

If you woke up tomorrow with nothing, how grateful would you be for what you have today?

This blew my mind when I read it and I hope it’s doing the same for you now. 

It’s easy to think about the things we don’t have with the scarcity mindset, in this case the ex who has left. But look over that list of 5 things you’re thankful for in your life. These things are real and they effect your life in a positive way. 

You might not appreciate that so much right now, but you definitely would if you woke up tomorrow without any of these things! 

Keep that list of 5 things handy. Look at them often. Allow yourself to smile after reading them.

Having gratitude for your current situation is a very powerful notion. And you need to remember that every day for the next 21 days.

Next stages for dealing with a breakup

So there you have it, the best steps to deal with a breakup. You need to grieve, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. But you also have to cut out the needy behavior and switch up your mindset to one of abundance. 

The next question is, what do you want to do next? If you’ve spent time going through the stages above then it might be time for a period of No Contact with the ex so you can completely separate yourself from them. If you really want to get over them then this no contact period could last indefinitely. Or if this period has given you time to reflect and you’re looking to get back with an ex then you can also use no contact strategically, in a way that puts you in the driving seat. 

Be sure to check out The Breakup Blueprint if you’re looking to get back with an ex. Or check out our guide to becoming more attractive to women if you’re looking to get back in the game. 

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